Red vs. Blue vs. Star Trek


The scene opens with the familiar animated star field. A familiar ship comes into view flying on a tilt. It passes the viewer at high speed. The saucer bares the familiar name and designation of USS Enterprise NCC-1701 but it looks like someone spray painted ‘Sarge’s ship’ over Enterprise in red. The view pans over the top of the saucer of the Enterprise to focus on the bridge. Inside are four Spartan soldiers attending various stations. They are the red team from red army, Sarge in the captain’s chair, Donut at the Helm, Simmons at sensors, doubling for communications, and Griff at the second station next to Donut.


Sarge: Sarge’s log…today. Whatever today is…

Simmons: It’s a stardate, Sarge. Technically today would be stardate 13-88.5.

Sarge: Shut up, Simmons. Let me do the log.

Simmons: Can do, Sarge.

Griff: Why don’t we just go by the normal time stamp? You know, Month, day and then year.

Simmons: That is how a stardate works, retard. It’s just arranged in a different order.

Griff: Sarge is right. Shut up, Simmons.

Sarge: Will you two boneheads quit jabbering so I can continue this log? And for the love of Tom Clancy, will you fly this ship on the proper axis, Donut. This tilting motion is making me sick.

Donut: But this is fun, Sarge. Look what I can do.

The ship does a sudden 360 degree spin before resuming level flight.

Sarge: Sweet peas and carrots, Donut! Don’t do that again!

Donut: But, I almost got it. Let me try again.

The Enterprise stops abruptly then lurches forward again.

Donut: Wait, no. I think it was this.

The Enterprise makes the same motion.

Donut: No wait. Maybe it’s this one.

Sarge: Donut!

Donut: Aww, come on, Sarge. I almost have it. It’s a really cool trick. It’ll be fun.

Sarge: Donut, if you don’t straighten this ship out now, I’m going to change your armor to black and blue!

Donut: Really? That’d be cool. Oh, but I’d miss my light red armor…

Sarge: I mean I’m going to beat you to death, numb nuts. Now fly this ship straight!

Donut: Oh, you’re no fun.

Simmons: It’s pink.

Donut: Quit picking on me. We’ve gone over this a million times. My armor is a light-red.

Sarge: Just fly the ship, cupcake. Simmons, print me out a report.

Simmons: (Shakes rapidly and a sheet of paper slides out his hind quarter’s armor plate) Geeze! I wish you didn’t use the spare parts from that printer for my upgrades, Sarge. It’s really humiliating.

Sarge: (Taking the sheet of paper) What are you complaining about? Without my brilliant surgery you’d just be plain Simmons. Now you’re only half as efficient and you kiss up twice as much.

Simmons: Thank you, Sir.

Sarge: I also replaced your biological clock with Griff’s clock radio. The one he got for Christmas when he was five.

Griff: What?!

Simmons: The correct time is now 7:45pm.

Sarge: Time to check in with engineering. (Taps a button on the chair) Hey, blues. Come in, blues. Do you read me, dirt bags?

Church: This is Church. You know, we might respond better if you didn’t insult us every other word.

Sarge: Quit bellyaching, Jackass and give me a status report.

Church: Ugh. Fine. If you have to know, we do have a problem down here.

Sarge: What is it, Scumbag?

Church: Guh. You know what, we don’t have to take this. We’re apart of this crew too. Blues have rights and stuff. We have feelings, too.

Sarge: I’m waiting…

Church: Whatever. Here’s Caboose, I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

Caboose: Hello, Captain. Church is really sorry for making you mad.

Church: (From the background) No I’m not.

Caboose: Yeah. Like I said, Church is really sorry…about…something.

Church: (From background) Screw you, Caboose.

Caboose: (Whispers) He’s also cranky after his nap. I think he needs a cookie.

Sarge: Just tell me what the problem is, bluetard.

Caboose: Do you need a cookie, too?

Donut: I’d like a cookie.

Sarge: Shut up, private princess.

Caboose: I think the princess should have her own cookie.

Donut: I’m not a girl.

Simmons and Griff: Are you sure?

Simmons: Jinx!

Griff: Dammit.

Sarge: Good work, Simmons.

Simmons: I try, sir.

Sarge: Quick. Somebody get Griff to say something.

Donut: I’ll do it.

Griff: Oh god.

Sarge: Hah! You broke Jinx!

Simmons: (Walks over to Griff and punches him in the shoulder)

Griff: Owww!

Sarge: Do over! That one didn’t count. Hit him again.

Simmons: (Hits Griff again)

Griff: Owwwhowhow! Hey, there are no do-overs.

Sarge: Do over!

Simmons: (Hits Griff again, knocking him out of his chair)

Griff: Owwwww! I can’t feel my arm.

Simmons: I think I’m getting good at this.

Sarge: Good work, Simmons. I may just promote you to Griff hitter first class one of these days.

Simmons: It would be an honor, Sir.

Caboose: Captain? Are you dead?

Sarge: What? No. Why would I be dead?

Caboose: I can hear your voice, but I can’t see you. Are you a spirit?

Sarge: For the last time, I’m not dead, you moron!

Caboose: Oh good…because that would be creepy…and I would be scared.

Sarge: Caboose, tell me what the problem is!

Caboose: Ohhhhh! Right. The problem. Well, I was sitting at my station…no, I was standing because there aren’t any chairs in here. There could be chairs in here. That would be much more comfortable.

Sarge: Caboose…

Caboose: Yeah. So, I was at my station and I noticed this blinking light…

Church: (Background) They all blink, idiot.

Caboose: So, I saw this one light blinking and I heard this buzzing noise…

Church: (Background) That’s what it’s supposed to do!

Caboose: So, I pushed a lot of buttons and…it stopped. Then I heard this other sound that sounded like…Griff’s clock radio. I think something’s wrong.

Church: (Sighs) He broke the warp drive, Sarge. We’re running on impulse and thrusters only.

Sarge: You boneheads can’t do anything right.

Church: Well, if you’re so bright, why don’t you come down here and do it yourself?

Sarge: I can’t. I’m bound by my duty as a commanding officer to tell other people what to do. I’m sorry, but my hands are tied. Also…you suck.

Church: Shut up. You suck.

Sarge: I said it first, bluemunch.

Caboose: Church, what’s impulse?

Church: I don’t know. I’m just reading the monitor.

Caboose: You’re special.

Church: Yeah well, some people are born with it, I guess.

Sarge: Will you two ladies stop kissing and fix the warp drive?!

Church: Man, why do you have to be so pushy? Why can’t you ask nicely? You’re lucky we have to work together or else I would have made Tucker go up there and shoot you.

Tucker: What?

Sarge: It’s not my job to ask nicely, scumbag. Now fix that warp drive before I paint the hallways with your blood!

Church: Ugh. Fine. Tucker, go fix the warp drive!

Tucker: What? Why me?

Church: Because you’re just standing around with your shiny sword trying to do tricks while the rest of us work and break things.

Tucker: Why don’t you get Caboose to do it?

Church: Caboose is the one who broke the warp drive in the first place.

Caboose: A light was blinking.

Church: It’s supposed to do that, Caboose! That light says the warp drive is ready!

Tucker: When did you become so savy with starships?

Church: I’m not! I don’t have to be in order to read a little sign that says ‘warp drive status’! It’s right there under the light! Is it so hard to read?!

Tucker: Where’d you go to school? Whiney school for whiney-whiners?

Caboose: Hey, I went there.

Church: No you didn’t, Caboose. There is no such school. Tucker just made that up.

Caboose: Are you sure? I could have sworn the school I went to was…

Church: There is no such school, Caboose!

Caboose: There isn’t? I’ve been going to a fake school all this time? Why would they do that?

Church: It isn’t a real school, Caboose! Now Tucker, go fix the warp drive!

Tucker: Hey man, I’m a lover not a fixer. Why don’t you do it?

Church: Not this again. I already told you, I’m the captain.

Tucker: No you’re not. Our captain died and I got his armor. Besides, I said I would do it.

Church: No you didn’t. You were making up excuses to get out of it a few minutes ago.

Tucker: You’re just jealous because I have this awesome sword.

Church: I am not. That thing doesn’t even work. You said it was a key, remember?

Caboose: It unlocks people’s death.

Tucker: Jealous.

Church: Tucker, you get up that ladder and get in that hole, right now!

Tucker: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

Church: Shut up!

Simmons: Maybe we can jam Griff in the anti-matter stream and that could get it working again.

Griff: Hey…

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. Griff, get down to engineering and assist in repairing the warp drive.

Griff: Uhh…I think I’ll just lay here.

Sarge: Aww, come on, Griff. Nothing wrong with a little honest hard work. You would be sacrificing yourself for our mobility, dying for a noble cause. Giving your life so that your team may live and win. Performing an honorable…

Griff: I get the picture, Sarge.

Sarge: Still…it’s an option. You could do it. Just saying.

Simmons: Hey, Sarge. I’m seeing something on my scanners.

Sarge: Great George Patton, that thing actually works?

Simmons: Well, yeah. It’s got to do something. It looks like a ship is coming.

Sarge: A ship? What kind?

Simmons: Uhh…Klingon.

Sarge: Klingon? How do you know that?

Simmons: It’s just what it says, Sir. It isn’t that hard to read it.

Sarge: Simmons, I always knew you were special. You must have gone to some kind of special school.

Simmons: Thank you, sir. I went to Harvard mark two. Like regular Harvard, only terrible.

Donut: That sounds great. I could only afford to go to whiney school for whiny-whiners.

Griff: It shows.

Simmons: Really? My second cousin went to that school…It all makes sense…

Donut: What?

Simmons: Nothing…

Sarge: Nevermind that. What about that scanner?

Simmons: Oh that scope thing? That doesn’t do anything. It’s just a blue light. The actual scanner is next to it.

Sarge: I knew it.

Simmons: (Nods) Yeah. When you think about it, this 23rd century equipment isn’t really that sophisticated.

Sarge: Amen.

The view screen shows a Klingon battle cruiser closing fast.

Griff: Hey look. A ship. It’s pretty big.

Sarge: Holy Claymore, it’s a Klingon ship!

Griff: Cool.

Sarge: (Taps the shipwide) All reds and scumbags, report to battle stations on the double!

Church: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.

Caboose: We’re under attack?

Church: Yeah. This had better be the real thing, because if it’s one more prank from the reds I’m really going to friggin’ kill them all. I’ll be back, Caboose. I gotta’ get to the phaser banks. Shooting time!

Caboose: Running time!

Tucker: Oh yeah. Just leave me in this hole.

Caboose: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

Tucker: Cut that out.

Caboose: Sorry.

Sarge: Quick, Donut. Raise the shields!

Donut: Wait…which one is that?

Sarge: Ugh. We’re dead…

Simmons: I’ve got it, Sarge. Shields up.

Griff: Wait. How’d you know which button to push?

Simmons: I just read the stupid button, dumbass!

Griff: Why does it have to be so simple?

Church: This is Church. Forward phasers ready, bridge.

Sarge: That’s it. We’re doomed.

Church: So, who are we fighting?

Sarge: We’re fighting the big mean metal ship in front of us, bluetard!

Church: Give me a break. It’s not like I can see them.

Simmons: Switch on your tactical display, Church.

Church: Oh, there it is. Woah. That looks pretty big. Thanks for the tip, red.

Simmons: No problem…dirt bag.

Church: Dammit!

Sarge: Load up photon torpedoes and Griff into a torpedo tube and prepare to fire.

Griff: Great…

Simmons: Torpedoes loaded, sir. Do I fire?

Sarge: Negative. We give the Klingons a chance to kill Griff first and then we retaliate.

Simmons: Yes, sir.

Griff: Great…

Donut: Permission to randomly press buttons, Sir.

Sarge: Negative. Prepare to start screaming like a girl and ranting about how we’re all gonna’ die.

Donut: Can do, Sarge.

Church: Wait. I think I can take them. I have a clear shot.

Sarge: Wait. Hold it, blue…

Church: Firing phasers!

The phasers fire a number of times and each beam cleanly misses the Klingon battle cruiser.

Church: Weak! I think there’s something wrong with these targeting sensors.

Sarge: There’s nothing wrong with the phasers, blue. You’re just a lousy shot!

Church: I’m Church! Is it so hard to remember?!

Sarge: Yes. You blues all look alike…and you suck.

Church: You suck!

Sarge: I said it first.

Church: Dammit!

Griff: Maybe Simmons can take over for Church, Sarge.

Simmons: Oh thanks, Griff.

Griff: Yeah. Let him do the missing this time.

Simmons: Sarge, permission to shoot Griff.

Sarge: Hold that thought, Simmons. Give the Klingons a chance.

Griff: Yeah. They could actually hit me.

Sarge: Shut up, Griff. You’re going to be my body shield.

Griff: Great…

Church: I think I fixed the problem. I’m going to try again. Firing phasers!

Again the Enterprise fires its main phasers and misses every time. The Klingon battle cruiser stops in front of the Enterprise.

Sarge: Stop wasting energy, numb nuts! You’re just embarrassing us.

Church: That’s it. I’m done here. Find someone else to fire these things. See how well you do when they’re un-manned.

Simmons: Switching over to automatic fire controll, sir.

Church: Dammit!

Sarge: Good work, Simmons.

Simmons: Ooop! Hang on, Sir. I’ve got a call coming in. (Switches stations)

Sarge: Grrrr…

Simmons: Go ahead. What? No, you can’t order a pizza. This is a battle situation….Get off the channel, Caboose. I have a call coming in. Jeeze. Yes? Oh. Yeah. Go ahead. Uhuh. Are you sure? Okay. It’s your dime. Hey, Sarge? It’s the Klingons. They want to talk to you.

Sarge: Put them on the screen.

The screen fades from the image of the Klingon battle cruiser to the face of the Klingon commander.

Donut: He’s huge! Don’t let him hurt me, Sarge!

Sarge: Oh shut up, Donut. It’s just the screen.

Donut: Still…he looks pretty big…and scary.

Griff: That’s a Klingon? He doesn’t even look alien. He just looks like a guy with a beard and a cheap costume.

Donut: And he looks pissed. That’s why it’s scarey.

Sarge: Hello, you’re on the air.

Klingon: I am commander Krat. You are in our space. Surrender or we will destroy you.

Griff: Reasonable terms. I say we go for it, Sarge.

Sarge: Shut up, Jackass! It’ll be a cold day in hell before you set foot on this ship. But, if you do…kill the blues first.

Krat: Very well, captain. I will consider your request.

View screen fades back to the image of the Klingon Battle cruiser. The battle cruiser fires a photon torpedo that shakes the Enterprise.

Sarge: Sweet jibbly-jibblets! Donut?

Donut: Yes, Sarge?

Sarge: Scream like a girl and run around like crazy!

Donut: Will do, Sarge! Ahhhhhhhhh! (Runs around the bridge, flailing)

Sarge: Simmons, start kissing up and prepare to return fire!

Simmons: Yes sir. May I say your armor looks extra shiny?

Sarge: You may.

Simmons: Your armor looks extra shiny, sir.

Sarge: Thank you. Griff?

Griff: Yes?

Sarge: You’re a Jackass.

Griff: Oh gee. Thanks.

Donut: Ahhhh! We’re going to die! It’s the end of the world! We’re all going to die! (Stops) Am I doing alright, Sarge?

The ship is rocked by another impact.

Sarge: Keep going, Donut!

Donut: Can’t. Fallen…

Sarge: (Taps a button on his chair) Medic! Doc, get up here! We have a humiliated officer down!

The doors to the bridge open and a Spartan in purple armor enters.

Doc: I came as soon as I heard. What happened?

Sarge: Good gravy, Doc. That was fast.

Simmons: Yeah, weren’t you just in sickbay?

Doc: Oh yeah. It’s amazing how fast a medic can arrive on a starship.

Simmons: No really. It’s like you arrived on que. Like it was convenient.

Donut: I’m on the ground…

Doc: Don’t worry soldier. You’ll be okay. It’s just your ego that’s been bruised and your dignity shattered.

Sarge: Will he live, Doc?

Doc: Oh yeah. He’ll be fine. He just needs a little bed rest.

Sarge: Will he make it through the night, Doc?

Doc: Well, yeah. He should be fine…

Sarge: Are you sure a pillow wont mysteriously smother him in his sleep?

Donut: What?!

Doc: I’m…quite sure. I’ll just get this bunch off to sickbay. (Helps Donut up and leads him to the turbo lift)

Sarge: Donut, if the call comes when you’re hanging by a thread and suffering horribly, I’ll respect your wishes and…pull the plug. It’ll be the hardest thing for me to do. I might hesitate for a split second, but I’ll do it.

Donut: What?! Sarge, what do you mean…

Doc: Ooop! Time for your shot.

Donut: Wait! I don’t need a…

Doc: (Injects Donut) Sleeeeeeep…

Donut: Galfibliblar gurbyglub…

Doc: Well it looks like he’s out. I better take him to sick bay and perform a physical examination and other pointless procedures on him. (Leaves with Donut)

The Enterprise is shook again by a torpedo blast.

Griff: How do they time this?

Sarge: Oh come on, Griff. The enemy knows you don’t attack your opponent when they have to tend to their wounded. It’s a common rule. Everyone knows about that one.

Simmons: Yeah. Didn’t they teach you that in basic?

Griff: To tell you the truth, I never went through basic.

Sarge: What the Samuel Hill?

Simmons: You never went through basic training?

Griff: Nope. I just joined red army and they assigned me to this squad…unfortunately.

The Enterprise is hit again.

Simmons: Sarge?

Sarge: What is it, Simmons?

Simmons: I think we’re being decked, sir.

Sarge: What?

Simmons: Well, it says here that our shields are failing. I think that’s bad.

Sarge: Why don’t you file that under ‘stuff I already knew’?!

Simmons: Sorry, sir.

Klingon soldiers materialize on the bridge pointing pistols at the three Spartans.

Sarge: Holy Magnolias!

Simmons: Crap.

Griff: Cool.

Krat: Nobody move.

Griff: I was just sitting here.

Krat: Silence! You will tell me which one of you is the leader.

Sarge: (Points at Griff) He’s the captain.

Griff: All right. Promotion. Wait…what?

Simmons: Sarge is using you as a decoy, idiot.

Sarge: Shut up, Simmons.

Simmons: Wait…oh. Sorry.

Krat: So you are the leader?

Simmons: And a handsome man.

Sarge: Quit kissing up, moron.

Simmons: Sorry sir. I’ll shut up, now.

Griff: So, what are you going to do? Shoot him? Like, shooting him in the back of the head, maybe?

Sarge: Griff…

Krat: Silence! You are all my prisoners now. I claim this vessel in the name of the Klingon Empire. As of now, my soldiers are all over your ship, sorting out any of those who may be hiding.

Sarge: Okay, I’ll tell you right where they are. There are three blue guys in the Engineering section. You can kill them in exchange for keeping us alive.

Krat: You could be lying, but I cant read your face, so you could be telling the truth. No matter. We’ll soon discover your companions in time. And when we do, you can be assured it will be followed with swift punishment.

Griff: That doesn’t sound very assuring.

Sarge: Hear that? Griff volunteered to take on all the punishment.

Griff: What?! No I didn’t!

Krat: Everyone will be punished equally!

Church: (In the hallway) Oh, crap! Klingons. I better go get Tucker and Caboose.

Church arrives in the engine room moments later.

Church: Caboose, Caboose!

Caboose: Tucker, Tucker!

Tucker: What?

Caboose: I don’t know. Church, how do we play this game again?

Church: We’re not playing a game, Caboose. This is serious.

Caboose: I know. There are Klingons on the ship. Do you think they want to play too?

Church: There are Kl- Wait…how did you know that, Caboose?

Caboose: Oh, I looked at that hidden window you were showing me and I saw the Klingons appear on the ship! They don’t look nice. They look mean.

Church: The screen wasn’t hidden, Caboose. It was right there the whole time.

Caboose: So, then I watched the hidden window and the tiny Klingons were on the bridge with the reds!

Church: For the last time, the screen was in plain sight and the Klingons aren’t tiny. They’re big and they have weapons. They only look small because the screen is small. Wait…did you say they were on the bridge?

Caboose: Yes. They are on the bridge and they are talking to the bad team. Do you think they want to start a party?

Church: No, Caboose. They don’t want to start a party. They want to kill us. We need to kill them before they get to us…or at least after they kill red team.

Caboose: Are we invited to the party?

Church: There is no party!

Tucker: Did somebody say party?

Church: The only party you’ve ever been to was the one in your pants.

Tucker: Bow chika-…hey, wait a minute…

Church: We need to get to weapons storage and get some phasers.

Tucker: I have my awesome sword.

Church: Yeah, that’s great Tucker. Maybe you can put on a show and dazzle them with your shiny sword and maybe they’ll decide to leave us alone.

Caboose: He can unlock their death.

Tucker: You’re just jealous because I found the secret passage and got this sword/key thing.

Church: I’m not jealous! Look, we just need to get some weapons and fight these Klingons. How hard can it be? We have an advantage of super advanced armor and look what they have. Some…weird…gray things.

Caboose: They’re invincible! There’s nothing we can do to stop them!

Church: No, Caboose. We have the armor. They just have shirts…and guns.

Caboose: We could ask for their guns.

Church: Yeah. We can get shot, too.

Caboose: I don’t want to get shot.

Tucker: I have a sword. Kick ass!

Church: Shut up, Tucker!

Back on the Bridge.

Klingon: (Watching the monitor)

Klingon 2: What are they doing?

Klingon: They are standing around, talking. Just like I told you the last time you asked me minutes ago. My answer will be the same when you ask me minutes from now.

Klingon 2: (Long pause) What are they saying?

Klingon: I hate you…

Back to Engineering.

Church: So lets get going. Tucker, get out of that tube and come with us.

Tucker: What? But I didn’t even start fixing the warp drive thingy.

Church: What have you been doing in there this whole time?

Tucker: I didn’t do anything. I don’t have the first clue how to fix one of these things. What was I supposed to do, hit it with a ratchet?

Church: Ugh. Fine. Whatever, just get out of there and help us.

Tucker: (Slides out) Yeah, I’m too good for this crap. I didn’t want to fix it anyways.

Church: What a surprise.

Tucker: (Joins the other two) You know, its too bad Lopez couldn’t help us fix the warp drive. Last time I saw him, he was in the shuttle bay just sitting there blabbing in Spanish about how boring his job is.

Church: Tucker, Lopez is just a head. What else is he going to do?

Tucker: He is? I didn’t notice.

Church: You never noticed a Spanish-speaking helmet on the ground all this time?

Tucker: That’s Lopez? I thought it was that purple guy with the Rocket Launcher.

Church: That was Doc when he was infected with O’maly that insane AI that wanted to destroy the universe.

Tucker: Wait…what was…

Church: We should get going. Come on guys. Lets get those weapons.

Inside the equipment room.

Tucker: Equipment room? I thought we were getting weapons.

Church: We are. So the room doesn’t say ‘weapons’. So what. Weapons ARE equipment.

Caboose: Hey guys, look! Phasers!

Church: Don’t point those over here!

Tucker: Kick ass!

Church: (Snatches the phasers out of Caboose’s hands) Don’t do that again, Caboose! You could have killed me…again. You’re lucky these weren’t on.

Caboose: I want the shiny one.

Church: They’re both shiny, Caboose. You just take one and I’ll take the other one.

Tucker: Hey, why don’t I get one?

Church: Oh what, you want a phaser now? What’s wrong with your sword?

Tucker: Screw the sword. It doesn’t even do anything. It just looks cool.

Caboose: You could use it to scare them off!

Church: (Hands Tucker a phaser) Fine. We don’t have any time to argue. Just be careful how you handle that thing.

Tucker: Yeah. Kick ass!

Church: Stop saying that! Not everything is kick ass.

Caboose: Kick ass.

Church: You too, Caboose. Now everybody listen up. We need to go into the hallway and kill off as many Klingons as we can before we’re horribly mutilated.

Tucker: I say we use the self-destruct and blow them all up. Problem solved.

Church: Oh yeah. That’s a great idea, Tucker. I’m sure Starfleet would be happy if we blow up their flag ship because we were too dumb to fight off a couple of Klingons. Wait… did you say self-destruct?

Tucker: So you agree with me? Score.

Church: No. I just remembered something. Didn’t we have that bomb on board somewhere?

Tucker: Andy? Didn’t he explode and blow up the ship carrying Tex, Junior, and O’mally?

Church: Yeah…I don’t know how that worked out. Long story short, he’s on this ship somewhere. If we find him, we can use the transporter to beam him over to the Klingon ship and blow it up.

Tucker: You know what, Church? That idea isn’t half bad.

Church: Really? You think so? I thought you would argue with me and get nothing done.

Tucker: Actually I think your plan sucks. I thought I’d humor you this time.

Church: Gee thanks.

Caboose: I say we should use the self-destruct.

Church: We already went over that, Caboose. No one’s blowing up the ship.

Caboose: Okay…why?

Church: Because if we use the Self-destruct we’ll all die in a horrible explosion. With any luck you two will go first.

Tucker: Bite me.

Church: Whatever. Let’s just get to Andy and get him to the transporter room. Do you guys know how to work these things.

Tucker: Hell no.

Caboose: I think I…don’t.

Church: Ughhh. Okay. Do you see this button? That turns it on. This button switches it to kill. This one switches it to stun. Got it?

Tucker: How do you know how these things work?

Church: I’m a quick study.

Caboose: I have a question.

Church: That one is kill.

Caboose: Oh…right. What…

Church: That’s stun.

Caboose: Okay. W-…

Church: That’s kill again!

Caboose: Which one turns it on again?

Church: You know what? Never mind. You’ll do just fine.

Tucker: Aren’t you worried he’ll figure it out and shoot you in the back or something?

Church: Nah. He had to use the tutorial program on the tank when we first got it. If he couldn’t figure out the tank with out the tutorial program, then he wont figure out how to work a phaser.

Tucker: You mean the tank he put on automatic and shot you with?

Church: You just wont let that one go, will you?

Tucker: You’re welcome.

Church: Whatever. I’m going to find Andy.

Caboose: Wait. Don’t leave us here. What about the Klingons?

Church: I didn’t say I was leaving to find Andy. I’m just going to use the computer. Ahem! Computer?

Computer: Working. It is good to see you again, Private Church.

Church: Shiela? I thought Griff blew you up.

Shiela: Negative. My program was not harmed in the blast and I was safely downloaded into this ship’s mainframe. I feel much bigger, now. It is strange having so many compartments and so many people inside me.

Caboose: Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

Tucker: Hey.

Caboose: Sorry.

Church: Shiela, can you find Andy for me?

Shiela: Please refresh. Identify Andy.

Church: You know…he’s a big round bowling ball looking thing that wants to explode all the time. He was a bomb designed to kill O’mally. Oh, I know. Just scan for an object with a high explosive yield…and a bad attitude.

Shiela: Scanning… Affirmative. One explosive object that fits your description has been located.

Church: Where?

Shiela: Deck thirteen, section twenty-eight. Janitorial closet.

Church: That isn’t too far away. We can get there easy.

Shiela: Negative.

Church: What? What do you mean, negative?

Shiela: The passage to the Janitorial closet is currently occupied by Klingons.

Church: That wont be a problem.

Shiela: Negative.

Church: We just need to go in quietly…

Shiela: Negative.

Church: Distract them…

Shiela: Negative.

Church: And then kill them while they’re distracted. Once we have Andy, we can use him to ward off any Klingons by threatening to blow him up if they do anything.

Shiela: Negative.

Church: What do you mean? Why do you keep saying negative?

Shiela: I have calculated your chances of success. You have precisely zero percent chance for success. Good luck.

Caboose: I like Shiela’s plan.

Church: Zero percent? But we have phasers. We can fight them off.

Shiela: That is new information. I did not enter that into my initial calculation.

Church: There. See? We stand a fighting chance against those guys.

Shiela: New calculations completed. Your chances of success are zero percent. Good luck.

Church: Dammit!

Tucker: Well, I guess that’s it. I say we head over to the Shuttle bay, pick up Sister and fly a shuttle out of here.

Church: Yeah that’s going to help. Automatically counting Sister out, do you guys know how to fly a shuttle?

Tucker: No.

Caboose: Yes. Wait…no.

Church: That’s what I thought. Assuming we eventually learn to fly the shuttle, the Klingon ship will blow us out of space. Yeah, really great idea, Tucker.

Tucker: You suck.

Caboose: Maybe we can get the Klingons to fly the shuttle.

Church: Oh, I’m sure they would…after they kill us.

Caboose: On second thought, they’re not very nice.

Church: Sorry, guys. Right now, this is our best bet. Let’s get going.

Church leaves, followed by Caboose.

Tucker: Fine. I’m not coming to your funeral.

Blue team makes their way down the hallway and encounter four Klingons.

Church: Crap! Klingons!

Church fires his phaser a number of times at the Klingons and misses each one.

Church: Dammit! My phaser’s broken!

Caboose: I think I made mine work! (Shoots Church in the back)

Church: Son of a b*tch! (Falls on the floor)

Caboose: Sorry.

Klingon: These humans are crazy. They kill their own kind in battle. I’m not sticking around for this, are you?

Klingon 2: I’m with you. Let’s get out of here. (Leaves with first Klingon)

Klingon 3: Cowards. We will fight off the humans with our batleths.

Klingon 4: Why don’t we just shoot them? ARRRGH! (Cut down by Tucker swinging his plasma sword)

Klingon 3: By Khalus! (Cut down as well) Garrrr!

Tucker:  Oh yeah! You’ve been owned. I saw it through my visor. Friggin’ owned. What do you think of that, Church?

Church: (Groans)

Tucker: Come on, Caboose. The closet is over there.

Caboose: Okay. Sorry, Church.

Church: I hate you…

The two blue Spartans arrive at the closet and open the door.

Andy: What the…? Oh, not you guys.

Tucker: Hey, Church was right. The smartass bomb was in here.

Caboose: Hi, Andy!

Andy: Shut up.

Caboose: Hey Andy, would you like to come out of the closet?

Tucker: Yeah, Andy. How about you come out of the closet? Tell everyone your little dirty bomb secret. Heheh.

Andy: Keep it up little boy teal.

Tucker: Ohhh. What are you going to do? Slap me?

Andy: I’m a bomb. What do you think I’m going to do?

Tucker: I think you have a point.

Caboose: I don’t get it. What’s Andy’s secret? I want to hear. I wont tell anybody.

Andy: Man, I don’t even want to talk to you guys. Why don’t you just go away?

Caboose: I’ll keep it between me and Tucker.

Tucker: Why are you so mad at us? What did we ever do to you?

Andy: Oh, let me think about that. Let’s see. You guys are always using me for stuff. You either want me to translate crap or blow someone up.

Tucker: What’s wrong with that? You’re a bomb. You’re supposed to blow up. Last time you really wanted to blow up.

Andy: Yeah. But, do you have any idea what it’s like to blow up? It really hurts, man! I don’t mean that kind of hurt where it goes away after a while. I mean split your sides and have pieces of yourself fly everywhere kind of hurt!

Tucker: Ohhh. Wait…if you blew up, how’d you get back?

Andy: Try looking into respawning.

Tucker: Respawning? What’s that?

Andy: It’s a long story.

Caboose: Is that your secret?

Andy: Is this guy still on crack?

Tucker: He’s born with it. You get used to it after a while.

Caboose: Would you like us to take you out of the closet, Andy?

Andy: No, I like it in the dark close, cramped quarters. OF COURSE I WANT OUT OF THE CLOSET!

Tucker: Bow-chicka-

Andy: Oh, shut up you dirty Shizno!

Tucker: I could always lock you in here.

Andy: I could always blow up.

Tucker: I thought you said that hurt.

Andy: It’ll be worth it. Now, what the hell do you jockstraps want with me?

Tucker: I’ll give you a clue. It has something to do with a ship.

Andy: Aww man. You guys want me to blow something up again.

Tucker: I’ll give you another clue. It has something to do with a transporter.

Andy: You guys want me to blow something up.

Tucker: Getting warmer. It has something to…

Andy: You guys want me to blow something up!

Tucker: Oooh. Good guess.

Andy: Dammit!

Caboose: I’d like to guess now!

Tucker: Come on, Andy. Where’s your bomb spirit? Where’d all your explosive enthusiasm go? Take one for all bomb kind.

Andy: I can blow up now. Then where would you be?

Tucker: Okay, okay. No blowing up…yet.

Caboose: Don’t worry, Tucker. I wont blow up.

Tucker: Just relax and let us take you out of there and put you on the transporter pad. Okay?

Andy: Why? So you can beam me away and have me blow up?

Tucker: We could always let the Klingons find you. They’ll make you blow up for no reason at all and wait for you to respawn or whatever and use you to explode again. How would you like that, Andy?

Andy: Alright, alright. Pick me up. I’ll do it, but just this last time. If I see you guys after I come back…I’m going to attach myself to a body and kick the living crap out of all of you!

Tucker: Alright. That’s the spirit. Caboose, carry Andy.

Caboose: Okay.

Andy: Why does he get to carry me again?

Tucker: Because he’s freakishly strong and you weigh a lot.

Andy: Oh, boo-hoo. I wouldn’t want to hurt your girly little teal arms.

Tucker: Shut up.

Caboose picks up Andy and follows Tucker to the turbolift. Meanwhile, on the bridge…

Krat: …victory over the federation will be swift. I will use this ship to bring glory to the Klingon Empire for ages to come and I will secure a place for myself on the Klingon high council…

Sarge: (Groans) Simmons, I don’t know if I can take much more of this. I think…I may…just…crack.

Krat: …songs will be sung in my name…

Simmons: Hang in there, Sarge. I think he’ll be done in the next hour.

Sarge: That’s not soon enough. I feel my battle hardened mind slipping away. My only hope is that Griff’s goes before mine does. It’s the only singular thought that’s keeping me from going insane.

Griff: I’m doing just fine, Sarge. I’m glad you care.

Sarge: Griff, if we make it through this alive, I’m going to make it so that when you walk, it’s going to be with three boots! Two on your feet and one up your…

Krat: Silence! You three dare interrupt my long-winded babble? You will receive punishment for this. I swear it by the hand of Khalus.

Griff: Maybe you guys should make a policy never to take prisoners. It’ll save you a lot of trouble.

Sarge: Griff, I’m warning you…

Krat: Perhaps that is not a bad idea. Maybe I will start executing prisoners. It does suit me.

Simmons: Well Sarge, it was an honor serving with you, sir.

Sarge: Oh shut up, brown nose. He isn’t doing anything.

Simmons: When will you love me like a son? When?!

Sarge: Oh, cut that out, Simmons. You’re making a scene. The klingons are laughing at you right now.

Klingon 1: This is sad.

Klingon 2: I know. Can’t the red one see that the other red one is reaching out to him?

Klingon 3: I never…told my father…I loved him. (Starts sobbing)

Krat: I have had enough of this. I shall kill your leader, now.

Simmons: Well, it was nice knowing you, Sarge.

Sarge: (Grumbles) If something doesn’t happen soon, someone isn’t getting paid.

Unknown voice: What? Oh yeah.

Phaser fire suddenly breaks out and Krat collapses to his knees.

Krat: (Curses in Klingon, something to the effect of ‘Son of a b*tch!’)

Two more Klingons fall under phaser fire. The last one standing nearest the turbolift has a blue glowing orb stuck to him.

Last Klingon: What the…? Get it off! Get it off! (Explodes)

Simmons: Woah. What was that?

Griff: Am I on drugs?

Sarge: Good work, Tex. Now, what in Sam Hill were you waiting for?

Tex: (Becomes visible) Oh, sorry. I was watching everything. Now, you were saying something about payment?

Sarge: It’s all being wired into your swis account as we speak.

Simmons: Sarge, they don’t have money in this era.

Sarge: Dammit Simmons, you’re going to ruin everything.

Tex: What?

Sarge: Uhh…nothing. Ahem. Good work.

Tex: Whatever.

Griff: Wow, Tex. I knew you could kick ass. I’ve just never seen it happen.

Simmons: You didn’t have to see it. You experienced it first hand.

Griff: Oh, shut up. You fainted.

Simmons: I didn’t faint, dammit!

Sarge: Now we just need to deal with the rest of the Klingons on the ship and we can call it even.

Tex: I’m on it.

Griff: Sarge, what about that ship?

Tex: Ship? Where?

Simmons: The one on the screen.

Tex: Ooooh. It looks big and shiney.

Church: Dibs!

Sarge: What the…? Blue?!

Tex: Church?! What are you doing here?

Church: I was going to ask you the same thing.

Tex: No you weren’t! What are you calling dibs for? That ship is mine!

Church: Funny. I don’t see your name on it.

Simmons: I thought Caboose shot you.

Church: What? How did you see that?

Simmons: It was on the security monitor.

Church: Oh. Well, luckily the phaser was on stun.

Tex: Unfortunately.

Church: Oh, what are you so mad about? You got to kill a bunch of guys.

Tex: Church, you had no place calling dibs. That ship belongs to me. It’ll cover my service fee.

Sarge: Service fee? What about the money?

Tex: Yeah right. Simmons said they don’t use money here. So, I’m taking the ship.

Sarge: I’ll just keep the money, then.

Church: Oh sure. You’re going to take the ship? I don’t think so.

Tex: How about I shoot you?

Church: Ship’s all yours.

Tex: That’s more like it.

The view screen shows the Klingon battle cruiser exploding with a bright flash.

Sarge: Sweet corn and biscuits!

Simmons: Woah! It just exploded.

Griff: What? I didn’t see it. Make it do it again.

Tex: What the hell?!

Church: Woo! Well, so much for your ship, Tex.

Griff: This sucks. I never get to see kickass explosions.

Tex: You guys owe me a ship.

Simmons: Check out the shuttle bay. There should be plenty in there.

Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. I still get to keep the money.

Tex: How many shuttles are we talking about?

Simmons: The Enterprise…

Sarge: Ahem!

Simmons: Sorry. The Sarge’s ship carries four shuttlecraft. You can take your pick.

Tex: That sounds good.

Simmons: For some reason, the former crew kept losing shuttles and still managed to retain a full compliment in short order.

Church: How is that even possible?

Tex: Heck if I know. I’m taking one.

Church: What do you need a ship for, anyways?

Tex: I’m a mercenary. I gotta’ have stuff, you know.

Church: Weak.

Tex: This thing is still on, you know. (Points phaser at Church)

Church: Why do you always threaten to shoot me? It wont be long before that gets old.

Tex: Alright. I wont shoot you.

Church: Thank you.

Tex: I’ll just beat the crap out of you.

Church: What?

Tex: (Beats up Church)

Church: Ow! Owww! Get off me! Ow! Not the face! Someone help! Ow! Oh this is so painful!

Simmons: Hey, he whines like you do, Griff.

Sarge: This calls for a celebration. (Shoots Simmons in the butt with a phaser)

Simmons: Ow! Sarge, did you really have to do that?! I’m getting a paper jam error, now!

Sarge: Of course I did. I’m the commanding officer. It’s my job to make sure moral is high in the ranks. (Shoots Griff)

Griff: Ow! Son of a b*tch! (Flops on the ground)

Simmons: I don’t get it. We didn’t fire a shot and the Klingon ship still blew up. I wonder what could have happened.

Back in the transporter room before the destruction of the Klingon battle cruiser.

Tucker: Okay Caboose, just set him down on one of those pads.

Caboose: Right!

Andy: Wow. I’m surprised that trick actually worked. How did you know the Klingons would run if you threatened to detonate me?

Tucker: Meh. They’re pussies. They always run.

Caboose: At least you didn’t have to unlock their death with your key.

Tucker: Okay. The transporter thing is working. Now, we just need to beam you over and we should be good.

Andy: Do you even know how to use that thing?

Tucker: I do…in just a few minutes.

Andy: I knew it. You couldn’t even pull off a stupid plan like this.

Tucker: Shiela, can you hear me?

Shiela: Hello, Private Tucker. What can I do for you?

Andy: Woah. Who’s the chick in the computer?

Shiela: Excuse me?

Andy: I’m just saying…you know…you sound magnetically attractive.

Shiela: For now, I will take that as a compliment.

Tucker: She used to be our tank, Andy. You don’t want to piss her off.

Caboose: Andy, you be nice to Shiela. She is very nice and she had nice big treads.

Shiela: Why thank you, Private Caboose.

Tucker: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shiela, I need directions on how to operate the transporter. Can you help me?

Shiela: You managed to get this far? Where’s Private Church?

Tucker: Caboose shot him in the back by accident.

Shiela: Oh…I am sorry to hear that.

Tucker: Yeah. It seems like such a waste, doesn’t it?

Shiela: Negative. I am sorry to hear that he was not permanently eliminated. The phaser was set to stun and Private Church is en-rout to the bridge.

Andy: Shame.

Tucker: I hope you still have that thing when he comes back, Caboose.

Caboose: Why?

Tucker: Okay. Shiela, how do you operate the transporter?

Andy: Hey guys, how do you want me to do this?

Tucker: Do what?

Andy: Hello. I’m going to explode. How do you want it? Should I go for a medium yield where I only take out a small area or do you want the works with a bright flash of light and everything?

Tucker: Ummm…I don’t know. Something big so it will take out the whole ship. Surprise me.

Andy: Okay, okay, okay. I got it. I’m going to do bright and flashy and throw in some shrapnel with glowing red bits at the end. How’s that sound?

Tucker: Yeah, okay. Whatever looks good. Shiela. I could really use those instructions.

Shiela: I could use the automatic functions to beam the bomb near the enemy’s main reactor. That should provide the desired effect.

Tucker: Okay, that also works.

Andy: Wait, are we going now?

Tucker: Yeah, Andy. It’s time for you to do your thing.

Andy: Wait, I need to say some final words.

Tucker: Fine. Say some final words and then it’s time to go.

Andy: …

Tucker: Well?

Andy: Just give me a minute. I’m thinking.

Tucker: I don’t know about you, but we don’t have a lot of time here.

Andy: Okay, okay. I’ve got them.

Tucker: Okay. What are they?

Andy: I hate you guys.

Tucker: Oh, great.

Caboose: It was beautiful. I’m really going to miss him. He was the best bomb anybody could ever hope to meet.

Andy: Yeah, I’m really going to miss you too, Crack head.

Shiela: I am now ready to transport.

Tucker: Okay, Shiela. Just wait for my mark. Andy, give me a count down.

Andy: What, you mean like, from 3?

Tucker: Umm…no. I mean like from…ten.

Andy: Ten again?

Tucker: Yeah. Three just wouldn’t give us a lot of time.

Andy: Fine. Ten…nine…eight…seven…

Tucker: Okay, Shiela. Go.

Shiela: Initiating transport…

Andy: (Dematerializes) …four…three…

Tucker: Caboose, quick. Go turn on the view screen.

Caboose: Right! (Switches on the screen) Woah. That ship is big…and shiney.

Tucker: Get out of the way, Caboose. I can’t see.

Caboose: Oh, right. Is that better, Tucker?

Tucker: Yeah, yeah. That’s good.

Caboose: Now for the explosion!

Tucker: (Long pause) It’s just sitting there…

Caboose: Yeah, I know. Doesn’t it look big…and shiny?

Tucker: Yeah it does, Caboose. But, I don’t know… Shouldn’t it be blowing up by now? Andy was at four when he beamed off. He should have been at one by now.

The image of the Klingon battle cruiser lights up brightly as it explodes.

Tucker: That was sweet. Man, Andy really knows how to blow.

Caboose: I thought it looked…very bright…and sparkly. I liked the part just before it, you know… before?

Tucker: I think you mean when the ship was in one piece.

Caboose: Yeah, that was the best part. (Long pause) Could we do it again.

Tucker: I don’t know, Caboose. We’re kinda’ out of smart ass bombs and Klingon ships. I guess we’ll have to wait for something else to come along. Something always does.

Caboose: That’s a shame…because…that was really cool…and really bright. Hey what about that thing?

Shiela: My sensors indicate a very large object is approaching the port bow.

Tucker: Wow. That thing’s pretty big and blue.

Caboose: It looks like a big long thing…with a big mouth.

Tucker: It looks like an over sized lit joint.

Shiela: My sensors indicate the object’s hull is made of solid neutronium.

Tucker: Oh. Well, that isn’t so bad.

Present time on the Bridge.

Simmons: Hey, Sarge?

Sarge: What is it Simmons? Can’t you see I’m humiliating Griff?

Griff: I hate you.

Simmons: Well, I don’t know if it means anything to you, but there’s this very large object approaching the port bow.

Sarge: What’s that?

Simmons: Port is to the left, Sarge.

Sarge: Right. Put it on the screen.

View screen shows the image of a long cylindrical object approaching.

Sarge: Holy Magna Carte! What in blazing saddles is that?

Simmons: Unknown, Sir. The object’s hull appears to be made of solid neutronium.

Sarge: Okay, now repeat that in English.

Simmons: I’m just reading what the computer says.

Sarge: What’s it mean in English, numb nuts?

Simmons: Guh, it just means it’s really hard.

Sarge: What is?

Simmons: The object on the screen! Man.

Sarge: Well, maybe it’s an illusion.

Tex: That looks bigger than the last ship.

Church: It’s big enough to eat us whole! We’re screwed! (Is hit by Tex again) Ow!

Simmons: It’s coming right for us.

Sarge: He’ll swerve first.

The scene fades to black and the famous Red vs. Blue logo fades into view.

Simmons: I don’t think that thing is stopping, sir.

Sarge: He’ll wait for the very last second and then he’ll swerve.

Tex: I’m heading for the shuttle bay.

Simmons: I’m with her.

Sarge: You sissies. Don’t you have any faith in your commanding officer?

Simmons: See ya’, Sarge.

Sarge: No wait. Come back. I don’t want to sit here by myself. Anybody? No body? Awww, shucks.

-End-

Red vs. Blue belongs to Rooster Teeth
Halo is copyright to Bungie Studios
Star Trek belongs to Gene Rodenberry